Should I Stay Or Should I Go

I am going to do some very public pondering and invite you to participate in the discussion currently taking place in my head.

Are you ready?

The question is: should I stay or should I go? (The song with that title by The Clash just came flooding into my head.)

I feel that the answer to this question will be one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

Let me lay out the details.

Option One: Should I stay?

Okay, Peace Corps service in Rwanda is not without its due share of difficulties. But, it is also amazing and fulfilling in many ways. Although I face periods when the challenges seem quite overwhelming, the big picture is, I am happy here and proud to be participating in this surreal experience. I love the work I am doing and when I look around, I can’t help but think, “Wow, this is so…cool.” This is the time in my life where I can do something like, be a Peace Corps Volunteer.

I also think that I have come to understand Rwanda. To help me describe my confusing and sometimes conflicting emotions, I am going to share a passage from the book I am reading. Although written about a journalist in Iraq, I read it and couldn’t help but realize our similar sentiment.

“No, it was in the leaving that I felt the essence of the place. As much as I hated arriving, I hated leaving more. After so long I’d become part of the place, part of […] the bad food and the heat and the sandy-colored brown of it. I felt I understood its complications and its paradoxes and even its humor, felt a jealous brotherhood with everyone who was trying to keep it from sinking even deeper. […] From the thought of leaving the world, the big, wide, only world, and moving to the next one. The two worlds. There was nothing in between, no way station, no purgatory, only this world and the other. […] Tightened mouths and grim faces, nobody smiling and nobody whooping for finally getting out. We’d become [Rwanda], […] become so much a part of it that we worried about our place in the other world to which we were now returning. And from which we were now so estranged.” Dexter Filkins, The Forever War 147-148

I have accepted the way the system works here and I am now able to work within it successfully to produce results. I feel like, now, two years later, I am finally getting into my groove. Unfortunately, two years later is also when my service is ending and I am due to leave.

I am homesick, yes. I miss family and friends from home and can’t wait to see them. I can also admit that I am eager to be back in the land of 1000 grocery stores, showers, washing machines, and toilets, instead of the land of 1000 hills. But, I could visit with people for a short time, get my fix of these amenities, and return to Rwanda rejuvenated for the second round.

Peace Corps offers the option of extending volunteer service for an additional year. Volunteers who extend do get some benefits, like a month-long vacation home. That break would be sufficient to suppress my homesickness and longing that have affected my experience of my service and are the roots of many of my personal ailments.

If I decide to stay for another year, there would be some changes that would take place. First, I may not continue working with Plan Rwanda or living in my village. I may work with another organization, doing something different, and probably living in a larger city. This is an important point, because I am having difficulty determining if my happiness is linked to Plan Rwanda, my work, and my village. Then again, working in a city with an organization that I can be more physically involved in could alleviate some of the challenges I face working as a lone volunteer in a village removed from my organization’s office.

Then, I just think that I am crazy for even considering this option.

So, now I am going to discuss the second option.

Option Two: Should I go?

This is obviously the typical and easy option. Service is over- time to pack it up and fly it home.

Sure, I am scared to go back to a world that from a distance seems very overwhelming. I feel more in my element in Rwanda that America seems like the strange and unfamiliar place. I am going to go through a huge cultural shock and adjustment upon my return. It is a daunting realization. Plus, family and close friends are going to have to re-socialize me, from bringing me up to date on popular media, to reminding me to shower more than I am now accustomed to.

I’m not sure what I would do if I went home, and this also adds to the stress of returning. Here, I have a job, if you can call it that... at least a purpose, something to do. Why would I give that up for… nothing? I am not the type of person who flourishes when I have nothing to do. In fact, it can be detrimental to my development. I am also an expert at entertaining myself, so I have no fear that I would not be able to find something to do. But, that’s what I do here when work is slow, so what’s the difference?

I do have a list of personal projects I want to undertake upon my return. I’ve enjoyed writing this blog and would love to explore the idea of making it into something more. I want to improve my skills in French and Spanish. I would love to learn to ride a motorcycle and start practicing for my inevitable motorcycle tour around South America. And then, there is always sewing, taking the hand-sewn designs I’ve made here and making them into wearable clothes. See, I would never be bored of things to do, here or home.

There are also some professional considerations, too. I need to take the exams necessary to pursue further education. I can’t wait to return to school. I love learning and have often joked that if I had things my way (and all the money in the world) I would spend my life in school. After two years of eye-opening experience, I finally feel that I have the direction and motivation to do what I want to do. But, I could easily complete these exams during my vacation home and apply to schools during another year serving in Rwanda, and return in time to attend school the following year.

So, as you can tell, I am a bit conflicted. I am constantly changing my mind. One moment, I am determined to stay, and the next I am waiting impatiently to return home. I’ve been pondering this decision alone for the last month. I have sorted through my own thoughts and feelings free of any external influence, but found that I have become so completely inundated with these thoughts and feeling it is difficult to see clearly. I am opening the doors to insight and thoughts from you. I know that ultimately, this has to be a decision I make on my own, but that doesn’t mean I can’t listen to what others have to say. If you feel so inclined, and I know the people who read my blog habitually are very close family and friends, write me an email and share. I would be happy to receive encouragement, thoughts, and even potential opportunities for my return. As I’ve learned here in Rwanda, the individual is important, but sometimes it takes a community. Put on the Clash, Should I Stay Or Should I Go, and think about what you would do if you were in my shoes…